The Story That I Don't Remember Writing
by Twisted Mackeral
Summary: Was I drunk? Judging by the quality, yes.
1. Chapter 1

The hammock swung gently in the still, slowly-roasting air. I lay back, lulled in the rhythmic sway, allowing the warming air to rise up through my damp hair.

"This is the life," I sighed, content.

This was one of the morning siestas I frequently enjoyed. There isn't anything like a river dive and a morning siesta to prepare oneself for the hard day's siestering ahead.

A croaked squawk from overhead caused me to open an eyelid. A number of black blobs circled lazilly against the golden ferocity of the sun. Grumbling, I rolled over onto my front to persuade the buzzards that I wasn't dead.

The only thing better than a morning siesta was a midday siesta, which was almost equaled by a noon siesta. Night siestas were fine but boring.

The thick heat washed over my face and gently cooked my eyeballs. The earth beneath my net was cracked from drought, as usual. My drink was standing precariously close to a particularly deep fissure but right now I couldn't be bothered to save it. Large beads of condensation accumulated and ran down it's sides.

Today was a particularly good day. The weather was just heading into the hottest part of the year, the war against the Hylians was all but finished, and I'd recently got a well-paying job as the bodyguard to the ambassador/war general. Even my recent, failed attempt at bleaching my hair, which had left it a foul shade of dirt, wasn't enough to annoy me. Yep. Today, was a perfect day and absolutely nothing could make it otherwise.

With a mighty, ear-blowing wrenching of rock, the earth split open, my drink lost down the quickly growing crack below me. I dived for safety as my hammock was swallowed up. There came a long peal of thunder from the clear sky. A door flew open high up on The Fortress and a Priestess came running out, screaming something about the altar breaking in two.

I had an unpleasant feeling that my luck was over. Meh. I was getting bored of it anyway.


	2. Chapter 2

I know the quality on this is fairly low, even compared to my other stuff, and it's mainly because it was origonally wrote as just a crappy thing for a forum. If its really as bad as I think it is just say and I'll rewrite this chapter.

And in this world, Gerudos have satelites and Nabooru never met Link. For some reason...

(Dispend disbelief now)

* * *

"At 9:36 this morning our sensors detected a massive magical disturbance originating in the area that was once the Hylians' main town and the current site of Ganondorf's Military Stronghold. Our satellites picked up...this."  
A photograph was passed across the table. The general glanced at it and swore.  
"Where the hell's the castle gone?"  
"We believe it sank into the pit of eternal lava below."  
"Why?"  
The two analysts exchanged worried glances.  
"The only thing we can think of is Ganondorf's powers failed."  
A deathly silence filled the war room.  
"Suggesting, um, he's...dead," the analyst finished, unnecessarily. "This would also explain the magical disturbance detected."  
"What's this black bit here?"  
"We believe that could be Ganondorf's theorised final form. However, we're more worried about this green spot just to the right. Here's an enlargement..."  
Another picture was slid across the smooth stone top. I edged forward a little, eagerly, tried to catch a glimpse of it over the shoulder of the ambassador. I saw the picture for a moment-a collection of about four green pixels- before the general turned and glared me back into place at her left-hand side. I tried to exchange a knowing glance with the bodyguard on her right but she was staring straight forwards, her hands clasped behind her back, her mouth a thin line. She looked so much more the part than me. I tried to imitate her but there's only so much menace and authority you can create when you have dirty, wet, yellow hair. None.  
"This is a civilian photograph taken a few weeks ago of a young, Hylian male," the analyst was saying. "He gained entry to The Fortress, released several prisoners, completed the Gerudo training grounds, crossed the sands and reached Desert Colossus, then assassinated Koume and Kotake."  
"And nobody thought of stopping him!" the general snarled.  
"Those that did were all defeated."  
I could see the veins beginning to pop up on her neck. She was getting stressed. I pitied the next analyst who spoke.  
"So what you're telling me," the general growled through teeth quickly being ground to dust, "is that the Hylians have some sort of super-soldier, our King is dead, and a military fortification has been reduced to rubble. We must strike now before the Hylians have a chance to dig themselves in. I'll need a squad of-"  
"I'm afraid at the current time that would be highly foolish," a voice behind me cut her off.  
The general straightened sharply, turned quickly, and gave a short bow. I guessed it was Nabooru, the only person apart from the late King who she'd ever bow to.  
"I see. May I ask why?"  
"We don't yet know the full capabilities of this Hylian except that he is extremely powerful. For all we know he could be quite capable of decimating armies."  
"That's highly unlikely, my Queen."  
I could see she was itching for payback. Her fingers danced idly round the hilt of her sword.  
"Nevertheless, with my husband dead, this could signal a new age of international relations: an opportunity we can hardly ignore"  
A slight spasm crossed the face of the General at the words 'international relations'. She mouthed the unusual words, a frown creasing her brow.  
"Try to make it sound as though we had no control over Ganondorf's behaviour and no intention of continuing his aims and ambitions."  
The beginnings of a contentious sneer began to curl the General's lip, like a dying spider's leg. But she quelled her objections, gave a curt nod, and said, "I'll inform the ambassa...", trailing off as she remembered her rarely-used second title.  
She stormed out, disgusted. 


	3. Chapter 3

Ri2: If Nabooru never met Link, who's the Spirit Sage.

Me: Erm...who do you want? Well, i never intended it to make sense, I just intended to write a story about a Gerudo.

* * *

I glanced round the tiny room. The walls were bare now, the weapons that usually adorned it packed away. All that remained was the futon, which I set about rolling up, and Calico, who was curled in the corner, watching me with an eye. I hoped he'd be able to look after himself in my absence.  
I sighed to myself. My life of sloth was ruined. Now I'd been chosen to go on a dangerous expedition into enemy territory. Cold, wet enemy territory where they'd probably expect me to do some work.  
There was a knock at the door.  
"S'open," I called from the floor.  
The door creaked open on its rusty hinges, scrapping across the uneven, stone slabs. I turned my head and my jaw dropped open. Not through any medical condition I've got but because the Queen of the Gerudo had just stepped through my doorway, glowing with her immaculate, regal air.  
"Errrrrrrrrrrrrmmmmmmmm," I said, completely thrown, as you might expect. "Um, y-your majesty?"  
I stumbled awkwardly to my feet then remembering my place dropped back to my knees. This bought me directly in line with a number of items at her waist.  
In her right hand was a long, leather-wrapped parcel which, from its packaging and shape, I identified as a longbow. In her left she clutched a long, thin sword- a rapier- in a black sheath.  
My wandering gaze become locked onto a bulky wallet on her belt and refused to move. I watched her untie it with a finger. It dropped to the floor in front of me.  
Nabooru used her foot to close the door behind her.  
"I hear you do hit jobs too."  
I shrugged. "It's mainly just a hobby," I admitted. "Who do you want killing?"  
"At the moment, no-one. Merely a safety precaution. If the negotiations don't work out, you have my permission to assassinate the royal family. And this super-soldier if you possibly can."  
I made a quick calculation based on the bulk of the wallet and the richness and desperation of the client.  
"This is it?"  
"You get the other half when you return."  
I doubled the amount.  
"The super-soldier...he may cost a little more."  
Nabooru nodded. "Whatever you want."  
I hesitated, wondering if she'd got my drift and if I dared push it.  
"When I say little I actually mean-"  
"-a lot. I gathered."  
I pulled the wallet towards me.  
"I'll do it."  
"Excellent. Oh, by the way, the ambassador is leaving in five minutes, with you or not. You may want to hasten."  
I got to my feet, pulling the dark-green, dodongo-skin rucksack, the futon and the wallet with me. The Queen placed the two remaining items on top of the pile in my arms.  
"Presents from Weapons Research. The bow has a range of two miles. The rapier is made from a new metal and is unbreakable or at least that's what they tell me. I'm hoping you wont have to use them."  
Rapiers weren't exactly my favourite weapon. Infact, I'd barely been trained in them at all. But I bowed politely in acceptance, or at least as best as I could manage beneath the weight.  
"And you're not to tell anybody else about this, of course," Nabooru ordered as I started to move for the door. "I only gave you this job because, if I told the General, she'd purposefully make negotiations fail and the other bodyguard is too honour bound not to tell her. Thankfully, you're more easily bought."  
I took that as a compliment and left. 


	4. Chapter 4

I was cold. I was wet. I was tired. I was hungry. I was completely lost in a horrible country a hundred miles away from home. 

But I was rich. This single fact was the only thing keeping me going.

Our small group trudged on through the mist and the drizzle. It turns out mist is rain that can't be bothered to reach the ground so hangs around, soaking anything that trudges through it. Drizzle is just pathetic rain. Not like the rain we got back home. Now that was real rain.

Up ahead the other two were fazing in and out of sight as the mist rolled past. They'd been smarter than me and bought thick, fur coats. I shivered in my flimsy, silk, desert clothes and sank my arms further into the horse's mane.

Salena and the General were laughing up ahead. They got on well together, mostly because Salena was such a serial ass-kisser and the General liked ass-kissers. Naturally, she was paid more than me. I think I felt jealousy, although for which one I'm not sure.

Salena looked back at me, smiling. I smiled back, just as her expression turned nasty and she snapped, "don't lag behind!" She hadn't been smiling at me after all. Something inside deflated pathetically.

She continued to glare at me with those fierce, crystal-blue eyes. I urged the horse on faster, sinking back into my inner bitterness.

And suddenly a curl of mist moved and a dark figure seemed to appear from nowhere out of the white gloom at Salena's side.

"Watch out!"

My warning came too late to stop the assailant wrapping its arm around her waist and pulling her off her horse.

I kicked my horse into a gallop. She was on the floor now, a ball of flailing hands and feet as she tried to get to her feet and free her dagger from the volumous folds of the thick rat-fur coat.

I leapt from my horse, drawing my knife mid-air, and landed on the Hylian. I had the split second image of a young mans face framed by a beaten, rusty medium helm before my vision exploded into sparks- my knife blade had scraped uselessly off his helm. I turned it round and brought the hilt down sharply. The man went limp in my arms. I quickly disarmed.

"You OK?" I asked Salena, getting to feet.

"What the hell do you think you're doing?" she barked. "I'm not the one you're supposed to be protecting."

My heart sinking, I looked up. The ambassador's sadle was empty.

From within the mist there came the ring of sword clashing against sword. Running towards it, I found my protectee surrounded by Hylian soldiers. A few lay dead, dying, or unconscious at her feet but she looked mostly unhurt, save for a few shallow gashes. She was crouched predatory-style, her face smeared with blood and dirt and lined with sweat, her scimitar concealed within the folds of her furs. An insane smile twisted her face as the ring of twenty or so guards closed in.

This probably wasn't doing much for international relations.

Suddenly, a sliver of silver slashed out from beneath the furs, and a Hylian's knee was suddenly fountaining blood. He went down screaming. The ambassador leapt, her eyes hungry for death, and plunged her sword down into the crippled man.

It was a bad move, one only a bad fighter or one totally consumed with bloodlust would make. To overstretched herself so much had made her vulnerable. The others soldiers charged in on her, some dropping their weapons as they grabbed her roughly and tried to pull her off their comrade, who was vomiting blood and shaking on the floor. Some had their swords at her throat although she didn't notice. Her entire attention was focused on the man's eyes, as she watched the last bit of life drain out of them. She was drooling.

From my back I took the bow Nabooru had leant me, notched an arrow into it, and raised it. For I moment I didn't know which to shoot, but I had a job. Morals didn't come into jobs. I fired off three arrows in quick succession. Three Hylians dropped swords from bleeding hands.

A Hylian came at me with a knife. I disarmed him with a swift kick, then put an arrow through his leather boot.

Backing up, I raised my bow again, pointing it at the bearded face of the man holding down my protectee's right arm.

"Stop! We surrender!"

We did what now?


End file.
